Lately, I’ve been getting a lot of messages from my readers. I want to thank you very much for your support. I guess my “Desperately Seeking a Facebook Stalker” column worked! Anyway, I get asked tons of questions and figured I would feature some along with my advice.
The Virgin Lawyer
I’m fresh out of law school. I just had my first case and I completely froze up. I couldn’t remember my argument or what to bring up as evidence. What do you do when your nerves get the best of you? –The Virgin Lawyer
Dear The Virgin Lawyer,
Whether you are in a courtroom or onstage, it’s still a performance. When something goes wrong in a show, we normally improvise. We call it “winging it.” Try breaking out into song and dance and see if that helps. If not, go topless. That always seems to work when a show is going downhill. When all else fails, represent a celebrity who will go topless. That will give you instant credibility.
Oh, and what law firm are you with? Remind me not to go there if I ever commit a crime.
No matter what I do, I just can’t seem to lose weight. I have tried every diet out there and nothing seems to work. Is there something I’m missing? -Thinspiration
Have you tried the sex and cigarettes diet? That has helped a lot of showgirls (long-term life expectancy aside).
The Next Wolfgang Puck
I have three small kids and they run me ragged. I’m looking for quick and easy dishes to whip up for the family. As a showgirl, your life is always on the go. Do you have any recommendations? –The Next Wolfgang Puck
Dear The Next Wolfgang Puck,
There is this one meal that always satisfies me and is super easy and fast to prepare. They are my maple pancakes. Here is the recipe:
Take pancake batter and Crown Maple (or any other maple whiskey will do) and mix it all up. Then grab a spoon and eat it fresh out of the bowl! It’s especially satisfying at 3 a.m. when you’ve had a little too much to drink and need to calm your stomach.
I love your column and read it religiously. I have a friend who is interested in writing. Where should she start? –Writer Wannabe
Dear Writer Wannabe,
First off, thank you so much! That means soooo much to me! Now as to your question, is your friend a showgirl? If so, unfortunately she can’t. I can’t have any competition.
I Want To Be A Millionaire
I’ve just robbed a casino and I’m surrounded. What do I do? –I Want To Be A Millionaire
Dear I Want To Be A Millionaire,
I think I’ve got just the lawyer for you. Contact The Virgin Lawyer. Good luck to you both!
My husband has an insatiable appetite. He wants it all day and all night. If he applied himself at work the way he does in the bedroom, we wouldn’t be having such money struggles. So I told him I’m not having sex with him until he becomes a better provider. I don’t care if he gets a better job or frankly, if he goes out and robs a casino, just as long as he brings home more money to this household. Now I can’t find him anywhere! –Desperate Housewife
Dear Desperate Housewife,
I think I have a lead on your husband. Stay tuned.