Since the dawn of time, we have tried to describe and categorize ourselves in many ways. Ancient civilizations relied on the four temperamentals … sorry, I mean temperaments.
Then there was Carl Jung’s concept of introversion and extroversion. (Although I have yet to meet an introvert. Quite honestly, I don’t believe they exist.)
Anyway, I’m delighted to announce the wait is over. I have conducted my own experiment and have narrowed humankind into four distinct types of showgirls: Grumpy, Happy, Sneezy and Bashful. (Okay, I have a confession to make. There are a few others but one was sleeping and the other was doped up at the Doc’s office.)
So take my quiz and find out what type of showgirl you are! Answer yes or no to the following questions. I’ll go first. (I know it’s my quiz, but I decided to take it as well. I promise I didn’t cheat.)
Do you find it easy to stay calm and focused under pressure? Yes, especially with muscle relaxants.
Are you a mess? I mean, are you messy? Yes to both but I’m more messy than I am a mess. Or am I messy because I’m a mess? Can you rephrase the question?
Do you find it difficult to start talking before you know exactly what you want to say? Not at all. As a showgirl, I never think about what I’m saying. Even as I’m writing this now, I have no idea what my next word is going to be.
Do you set unrealistic goals for yourself? They didn’t seem unrealistic until I was sober.
Are you often envious of others? I don’t get envious except when people are doing better than me, especially friends or acquaintances or strangers.
Do you worry about what other people think? How do you think I should answer this?
Do you mind being criticized, even harshly, if the arguments make sense? No, I don’t mind, but the arguments never make sense.
Do you rarely feel insecure? Yes, with the exception of all the time.
Would you say you’re the life of the party? Maybe. But the trouble is, I don’t know what the party was like before I got there because I wasn’t there. So you’d have to ask them.
Do you seek people’s attention? Hmm. Let me think about that for a second while I’m writing this column in Las Vegas Weekly called “Confessions of a Showgirl.” I’ll get back to you on that one.
Do you feel self-conscious when you’re the center of attention? I feel self-conscious when I’m not the center of attention.
See, that was easy! Now it’s your turn. If you answered any of these questions, congratulations—you’re a narcissist!
Wait, that can’t be right. Let me take it again …