As I approach my first anniversary of writing these confessions, I wanted to reflect on my growth as a showgirl and a writer. I went back through all my emails with my editor and decided to highlight some of my best grammar bloopers. Perhaps we are all guilty of these mistakes … or maybe it’s just me. You decide.
1. An excerpt from Audition gone awry: A nose for nerding out:
“I was auditioning for a new show in town. Turns out this particular position called for a showgirl who could play … an office nerd that suddenly breaks into an 80’s hip-hop dance while rapping. “
Editor’s note: “That” is a thing. “Who” is a person. A nerd is a person. Use “who” instead of “that.”
Showgirl’s note: I apologize to nerds everywhere for referring to them as things. I don’t feel that way, nor have I ever felt that way. Mr. Nerd, from now on, you will always be a “who” to me.
2. An excerpt from The truth about the girl inside the cake:
“I was ready for my cake-popping debut. I shimmied into the cake and squatted downon the little chair. “
Editor’s Note: Down is redundant; you can’t squat “up.”
Showgirl’s Note: I beg to differ with my editor on this one. Some showgirls are acrobats, contorting in all sorts of precarious positions, especially on aerial silks. With that said, a showgirl can definitely squat up … when she’s upside down.
3. An excerpt from The Star-Mangled Banner – A showgirl nightmare:
“Anthem time came around. She hummed her starting note quietly under her breath, making sure she was in the right key … ‘Off to a great start,’ She thought to herself.’
Editor’s Note: One of the great redundancies is “thought to herself” or “think to yourself.” Just say “think.”
Showgirl’s Note: Hmmm. And now I’m thinking to myself, I never thought of it that way!
4. An excerpt from The Double Jointed Chicken Dance: A cautionary tale:
“No, I was falling! I was falling right off the stage and into the audience, tits* down and beak up. (Are “tits” okay to say?)”
Editor’s Note: I believe tits are okay for the Weekly. I’ll let stand.
Showgirl’s Note: Okay, I have a confession to make. There were no grammatical errors on that one. I just wanted to illustrate the formality of some of my conversations with my editor.
5. (Or should I say five?) Excerpts from A showgirl’s addiction:
“They say to successfully conquer an addiction you need a Twelve-step program … I’m thinking 1 pair of shoes for every step would be great … if twelve pairs are too much, maybe we could just do 6 instead?”
Editor’s Note: Numbers are spelled out up to nine; from 10 and higher, use the numeral. YOU ARE GETTING THE NUMBERS RULE BACKWARD IN THIS COLUMN.
Showgirl’s Note: I still don’t get it.
6. An excerpt from How to treat a diva:
“Slowly but surely, after following my own advice, we outgrew our showgirl tryst. We even live together now … Maybe she’s happier living with me. Or maybe it was that fleecollar that did the trick.”
Editor’s Note: A flea collar protects a pet from fleas; not sure what a flee collar is, but it sounds a little ribald.
Showgirl’s Note: Good to know. By the way, what does “ribald” mean?
7. An excerpt from Vegas then and now:
“As I was searching deep in my dressing room shelves for my favorite bedazzled Swarovski bra, I came across an ancient artifact. I felt like Nicholas Cage in the movie National Treasure.”
Editor’s Note: Nicolas Cage is always spelled that way. Always. No "h" in that first name.
Showgirl’s Note: Interesting. Someone should tell Nicholas Cage he's spelling his name wrong.
8. An excerpt from A night in the life of a showgirl at sea:
“Just when you think you’re leveling out, the ship starts rocking back and forth.”
Editor’s Note: Cut “back and forth,” which is redundant. Rocking is, by definition, a back-and-forth motion.
Showgirl’s Note: Rocking, by definition, is also redundant.
Anyway, I should do a column on all my grammar corrections.
If you hold out long enough, you can write a novella about your grammar corrections. If you hold out longer than that, we'll have a novel ready for publication.
Showgirl’s reply to Editor’s reply: Awe. Thanks for believing in me.
So with all that said (or written), I want to spotlight my editor John Katsilometes. Without you, this column would have never been possible, and neither would my showgirl novel, which I will be releasing sometime soon. Your faith in what I can accomplish means the world to me. I promise I won’t let you down.
Happy one-year anniversary to Confessions of a Showgirl!
Follow Maren on Twitter @marenwade